Driving While Stupid (DWS): Lance the Linbacker Drives Fast, Crashes, Knows Nothing

I was a Stupid Driver

I was a stupid driver for many years. Of course it was when I was young so I have an excuse. My biggest problem was speeding. I also did some other stupid things like passing in dangerous situations. But the absolute most idiotic thing I ever did was backing my father's car through the front window of a Pizza Restaurant.

Lucky for me I didn’t hurt anyone inside the restaurant. But I did have to pay for the window ($275) and to replace the exhaust system ($900) that was ripped off the bottom of the car. At sixteen that was a lot of money.

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to being cured. These days I am a safe driver. I don’t speed, I don’t tailgate, I use my turn signals and I always wear my seatbelt. But I am surrounded by idiots.

If you’re like me and just want to drive without some moron attached to your rear bumper then welcome. The stories chronicled here will help you know you’re not alone. Think of this as a 12-step program to becoming a smart and safe driver.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Lance the Linbacker Drives Fast, Crashes, Knows Nothing

Lance is a linebacker for the Chicago Bears. He gets paid for crashing into to other people at hight speed and causing maximum damage. Crashing into a pole and destroying a $350,000 Lamborghini is something he does on his own time.

According to the Chicago Tribune, Lance crashed his fancy car at 3:15 in the morning. Driving at 3:15 in the morning starts to hint that a driver may not be to bright. There are exceptions. Like having a baby, delivering a baby, or coming home from that night shift. From what I can tell the Bears were not practicing at 3:00am...

The Car
According to accounts, the car has significant damage to the suspension. For an Italian sports car that means the repairs will cost more than most cars on the road.

The Driver
The story reported by Lance the Linebacker is more bizarre than the accident.
He says that he called a tow truck, then called the police to report the car was stolen, then called the police back to say it was not stolen. Even more bizarre is that the Police say they have no record of his calls. Somewhere, someone is wondering why they were getting crank calls at 3:15 in the morning.

Maybe Lance should consider a car that doesn't go 200 MPH. A hummer is good for crashing into things and still offers an image fit for a linebacker...